She suddenly felt uneasy as she passed the corner store and saw a tall slender young man whom she guessed was only a few years older than she was. She’d seen him before. He passed her most mornings under the viaduct walking to the bus stop. She guessed he was going to work since she never saw him carrying books. Her uncles warned her to be careful walking under that viaduct. “You’re a beauty Dinah. Some men don’t know how to handle you. You will have to sift through the junk to get you a decent young man who will respect you.” Dinah was well-formed, a true beauty to behold with a striking hourglass figure, turning the heads of men young and old as she strut down the street unconscious of her own sensuality, . It was a natural walk that she didn’t practice. In each moment, as she walked past a glaring male, she wished she could change the way she walked. “She walks like a Maltese kitten,” the boys whispered in the hallway. They didn’t know whether to watch her buttock or her thick, rounded, life-size, sexy calves as she walked. She was well balanced and agile. She had a stealthy stride, a stride that made her buttock twitch methodically from one side to another with an innate simplicity. They didn’t know whether to watch the round of the buttock’s unconscious twitch or her full-size legs as she sauntered. At any rate, watching her sensual stroll brought life to a many a man on the street corner. No one knew except her family that Dinah was violated because of the sensual stroll that came to her naturally. Unlike the memory of her Rueben, this memory was like a poignant wound in the heart. Her youthful naivety was stolen, vanished forever after it happened.
It was one year and six months after Dinah and Rueben were together that things took a different turn. The last day of school before winter break as she remembers it. They were supposed to meet up after the school assembly and go to Reuben’s house to spend time together since they hadn’t seen each other except while passing in the hallway hustling off to class, in more than two weeks. When they talked the night before, they were both excited about being on break for two weeks and excited about the possibility of spending time together. She waited outside the auditorium until a hall monitor insisted she leave the building. She waited outside at the front door until there were only five people remaining at the busy bus stop on the corner. How could he have walked right past her? She stood there so long she began to feel ashamed.
Finally, she decided to get on the next bus, she wanted to get home so that she could be there when he called. She knew he would call. She didn’t know how she missed him; she stood in the same spot she’d stood many times while she waited for him. He always came. It never took this long, so she was anxious to hear his explanation for standing her up. Dinah waited for Reuben’s phone call home for seven days. She dialed his number four times that week. The first time, there was no answer. The second time, there was no answer. The third time, there was no answer. The fourth time she called she got another busy signal. She fought with herself about dialing his number again, she didn’t like how it felt to be so clingy, possessive, and wanton.
There was a party to celebrate the holiday that weekend and Dinah wanted to make sure she was there. She had been in the house all week, since it was winter and cold outside. She had no place to go so she stayed inside and spend the week in her room reading. She thought Reuben would be at the party too. She hoped he would. It was very unlike him to not call her. They usually talked on the phone for hours every evening, sometimes talking about nothing, sometimes talking about everything. Sometimes just holding up the line. neither wanted to let the other go.
She took her time and soaked in the tub in preparation for the party. She washed every part of her body that day. Taking a long hot bath comforted and made her feel good. After her bath, she put powder and perfume on everywhere she could think of. She wanted to smell good. A long relaxing bath and taking time to spruce herself up was an enjoyable practice she’d learn to neglect later in her life. She chose to wear a svelte red dress her aunt bought her as a gift. She oiled, brushed, and curled her hair so it would sit on her head just so. She prided herself in her very large and well kept Afro. Like her sensuous walk, Dinah’s afro turned many heads. She left home for the dance confident that she looked and smelled good enough for someone to eat. She was ready to talk to Reuben with the confidence of an innocent fawn grazing in the woods unaware of the wolf approaching his prey at a snail's pace. She practiced what she’d say to Reuben in the mirror. She couldn’t wait to see his smiling face and give her ear to hear his reasons for standing her up and altering their carefully constructed plans.
While at the party, Dinah danced until she was ready to drop. She danced with or without a partner. It didn’t matter, she simply enjoyed dancing. She danced until her feet and legs felt numb. She loved to dance even that day, the disappointment of Reuben not being there didn’t stop her. She paid little attention to the latest dance craze. She just moved every part of her body to the music. She was always in cinque. Music had always been in her bones. She should have learned to play an instrument. Music was soothing and relaxing to her. That night she didn’t slow dance, she saved that for Reuben.
She wanted to get as close to him as could. She wanted to lean on him supported by his strong body and his big arms. She wanted to be comforted by both his touch and the music simultaneously. The anticipation of his touch made her dance even more. She kept her eye on the door, waiting for Reuben to enter. The party of nearly over before she realized he was not coming. They were supposed to go to that party together. She went alone and he never showed. She wondered if he remembered. She wanted to talk to him, he had been her best friend since they first met a year and a half ago. She wanted to look into his kind eyes. Little did she know she’d learn to live with that achy feeling, the pain of yearning for Reuben. It was a pain she’d learn to hate and at the same time look forward to with anticipation.
She was only sixteen. She should never have been allowed to go to that party alone after seven in the evening she rode public transportation to from the party. She was on her way home at midnight, thirty minutes past curfew. To get from the bus stop to her house she needed to walk about five blocks, pass under a long viaduct, and walk across a series of vacant lots. She usually walked that walk faster looking around her as she walked. She was usually conscious of every noise and jumped at every sound. That evening she was distracted. She wasn’t paying close attention to her surroundings. She was both exhausted from her night of excited dancing and because she hadn’t seen nor heard from Reuben in a week. She was cold because she walked in the midst of Chicago’s winter chill.
As she approached the end of the viaduct t on the way home, she heard footsteps behind her. The streets were deserted because of the time and the cold. She turned her head slightly to try to see who was walking behind her without breaking her own stride. She walked faster. He picked up his stride. She thought of running but her feet were numbing and she had a difficult time picking them up quickly. Before she knew it the footsteps caught up with her. Abruptly there was an arm around her neck. A smelly skull cap was slid over her head covering her face. The perpetrator then put a knife to her throat. It seemed as if he did it all at the same time in one smooth and swift swoop. It seemed as if he had much skill and practice. She wondered how many other young girls were preyed on by him. There was no delay in the steps being taken to secure Dinah as prey. He said in a fierce tone, “do what I tell you and you won’t get hurt. Scream or try to run and I’ll stick this knife in your neck.” Dinah was petrified. She didn’t make a sound. He pulled her over to the stairs where passengers came down from the Metra train. There was not a sole in eye sight nor from what she could tell was there anyone in ear shot.
“No!” said Dinah
“Shut up Little One!” he said.
He timed it perfectly. While he performed his fiendish act, no train stopped at the station. She listened for a train. She paid close attention to his voice trying to remember it. He put his hand over her mouth as his hips bounced up and down on her torso like an animal and pushing her back into the edge of the steps causing her more pain. She was not a virgin; Reuben had loved her tenderly for six months. He didn’t enter her with such rough force. Tears rolled down her face and she whimpered from the abuse.
“Shut up, you better dry up those tears, I ain’t hurtin you, you aint’ tight, you done this before, more than once!” he said gritting his teeth.
He moved the knife closer to her throat has he spoke. Dinah was afraid not to do what she was told and managed to suck up tears.
“Move you your ass dam it, you know how to do this!”
Dinah moved her hips slowly as he humped.
“Damn you, move faster. I am almost there!” he said. She could feel the tip of the knife penetrate the skin in her neck.
“Please don’t hurt me,” cried Dinah. “Please stop” she wept.
“Suck my neck,” he moaned.
“Please stop,” sniveled Dinah!
“Take your titty out,” ordered the perpetrator.
Dinah cried as quietly as she could.
“Bitch shut up and do what I tell you to do,” screeched the perpetrator!
“No! Don’t try to use both hands, ” he corrected her as he stuck tip of his knife closer to her neck again. He pushed harder to pin one arm under her.
He lifted the skull cap up just slightly under her nose.
“Kiss me now” he groaned.
“I can make you feel good.” “You know you want it.” “I seen you walk.” he murmured.
“I been watching you,” he said.
“No, please,” Dinah sobbed!
“Shut up I told you and kiss me” was the final order before she heard his last deep groan.
He finished, got up quickly, and ran in the same direction from which he came. She was afraid to look after him. He got up pulled the skull cap off her face and ran home, despite the numbness in her feet and legs. She tried to close her coat as she ran, but noticed the buttons had been ripped off. It happened so fast, she didn’t notice when he ripped her coat open. She didn’t want anyone to find her torn panties and underwear so she picked them up and stuffed them in her pocket. She had on one shoe and could not find the other. Words finally poured out of her mouth as she pushed the front door open. She was finally able to scream loudly, enough to startle everyone in the house. Her mother jumped out of bed. As Dinah told her what happened, her mother held her and rocked her. Her mother rarely hugged her.
Dinah felt safe and secure. When the police came they asked so many questions. According to them she did everything wrong. She wondered how they would have reacted had it been them in her place. Their tone was accusatory. When she was taken to the doctor, she was examined. The doctor said the tear in her vagina wasn’t bad enough for stitches. Once the doctor discovered that Dinah wasn’t a virgin he became as suspicious as the officers. Dinah felt awful. She felt dirty. She felt it was her own fault. She couldn’t identify her rapist. Their voices were accusatory because she did not even try to get a look at him. They couldn’t understand that she did not want to see his face. She just wanted him to leave her alone. She just wanted the police and the doctor to leave her alone now. She didn’t like their tone and the way treated her. She didn’t even like the way they questioned her mother in an accusatory manner.
That voice though, she wanted to remember. She listened for the fierce voice a long time afterwards. Even now, at almost fifty one, she still gets nervous and frightened when someone walks behind her. For a long time she wondered what would have happened if she had screamed or tried to run away. Maybe she could have gotten away. Maybe her screams would have been heard by someone. She didn’t know why she made it so easy for her rapist, that’s what the police told her. She was just scared, too scared to do anything other than follow instructions. She felt sick and guilty when the police officer asked her several times why she didn’t scream or at least try to run. She wondered why.
The thought of a knife stuck in her throat wouldn’t allow her to do anything but what she did. She was only sixteen at the time, powerless against any man. The voice she heard was not the voice of a teenager. It was not the arms of a little boy. He didn’t feel like a largely built man, but he was a man just the same. Nobody except her mother and her uncle said that she did the right thing. They both told her that maybe had she not cooperated she may not even be alive to tell her story and feel the comfort of the words they spoke to her. Maybe if she had not cooperated she would not have the opportunity to experience the joy and laughter that the five marvelous children bring her today.
As she ran home felt no pain until she hurdled herself into her mother’s embrace. She could now feel the sting of his heavy brutal hand across her face, the rip in her throbbing vagina, and the throbbing of his fist in her stomach. She could feel the bitter cold as she lay there under the brutal attack. She could feel the aching of a broken and naïve heart stolen. Dinah was haunted by the fact that she did as she was told. Unable to hold back her tears, she followed every order. She was petrified and feared he would slit her throat. She did not know what else to do. She was sorry she even went to that party. She was sorry she went alone. It was the last time Dinah walked that walk alone. Five blocks. In the dark. From the bus stop. Under the viaduct. Past the series of vacant lots to where she lived.
Dinah remembered his voice even today. Several years later she heard that voice at the laundry mat as she took her head out of the dryer taking the clothes out. She didn’t turn around. She made a bee line for the door leaving all her family’s laundry behind. She thought of nothing but getting out of there. Again, he had the advantage. She could recognize her but she had no idea how he looked. Even now, as she ran out the door she was afraid to look. She ran home and told her mother and uncle why she left the clothes at the laundry. The two of them moved fast! They didn’t seem upset. Her mother picked up the phone immediately and called the police. Her uncle took Dinah’s hand and walked to the door, down the stairs, down the 4 blocks to the laundry mat. When they got there, there was only a young woman and her children there washing their clothes. The police took a long time to come. There was no sign of him, just more questions, another useless police report, but thankfully no hospital and no probing.
During the rape, her rapist pulled at her fine dress so roughly that he tore the ruffle. He ripped her panties off and raped her with what seemed like all the force he could muster up. His forceful entrance tore her vagina wall. It felt as if he ripped the delicate layer of skin inside to pieces. She remembers being afraid and hurt. She remembers the tears. He threatened her and said that she had better act like she liked it. It was a long time ago, but she remembers that horrific night very well. She could still hear his voice say, “make it believable or I’ll kill you.” He also demanded that she rotate her hips or the knife would make its way to her chest. She did as she was told. She did everything he commanded. She held her breath and touched her lips with his. She was careful not to let her tongue touch his tongue or his lips. She held it back hoping he wouldn’t notice or care. She wanted to scream as she moved her hips in a circular motion. The scream was stuck in her chest. She couldn’t pull it up for fear he’d make good on his threats.
Dinah stayed home for the rest of winter break. She didn’t leave the house for anything except school for months after. Her uncle walked her to the bus stop every morning and he met her for the walk home in the afternoon. He stood there strongly each day when she got off that bus. Dinah loved her uncle he acted as the father she didn’t have. She was afraid to go out alone and he knew it. She missed Reuben but those feelings were overshadowed by her fear of going out alone.
Dinah did not see Reuben at school after winter break. She asked a few people if they’d seen him, they said no. Dinah could not understand what happened. She was so lonely and still so distraught from the rape. This made her open and vulnerable. She saw Keith in the cafeteria. They made eye contact. The stare was immediately intense but it didn’t scare her. He sat at the table in front of her with a friend. She could hardly focus on eating her lunch for watch him. As soon as their eyes met, she felt anger instead of worry for Reuben. Where was he and how could he leave without one word? She missed him. As they waited for the bell to ring and the periods to change Keith walked over to her table and sat next to her. He began to talk to her. He wasn’t Reuben, but his voice comforted her. She admired his boldness. Being shy and a bit of an introvert it was not easy to talk back to him. All she could do was answer his questions. She stuttered and didn’t want anybody to know, Reuben knew but she didn’t stutter so much with him. She stuttered with Keith though, that should have been her first clue. He made her smile when he asked, “do you think you and I have a chance together?” She didn’t know how to respond to his question since there was no break up with Reuben. She tried to think of a catchy and hip phrase to say but couldn’t. She could only smile. She wanted to respond with something catchy or hip he would think about later. She was a little excited, but uncertain. She was nervous but felt a little bit of the lonely leave her. She needed comfort and Keith would have to do.
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